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For decades, many believed that "moving on" after losing a loved one meant letting go completely. Grief was seen as a process with clear stages that ended with "acceptance" and a clean break from the past. But modern psychology has discovered something that many grieving people intuitively knew all along: maintaining connections with those we've lost is normal, healthy, and can be deeply comforting.
What Are Continuing Bonds?
The "continuing bonds" theory of grief suggests that death doesn't end our relationship with loved ones—it transforms it. Instead of severing ties as part of "healthy grieving," we find new ways to maintain meaningful connections with those who have died.
Dr. Dennis Klass, who helped develop this theory in the 1990s, explains it this way: "People don't 'get over' profound loss by detaching from the deceased person, but by finding ways to maintain healthy and enriching connections to them."
These connections take many forms. From talking to a deceased spouse while gardening to making a loved one's favorite recipe on their birthday, continuing bonds help us integrate our loss into our ongoing lives.
Why Traditional Views of Grief Fall Short
The old model of grief, popularized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's "stages of grief," suggested that the end goal was detachment. Grieving people were often told they needed to "move on" or "find closure."
But research shows that most people naturally maintain connections with deceased loved ones, and these bonds can provide comfort rather than indicate "unresolved grief."
"The idea that you must 'let go' to be emotionally healthy doesn't match what we see in real life," says grief counselor Maria Hernandez. "Many people maintain lifelong connections with those they've lost—and these connections often provide strength and comfort."
How Continuing Bonds Help Us Heal
Maintaining these connections serves important psychological functions:
1. They Provide Comfort During Difficult Times
Many people report "sensing the presence" of loved ones during challenging moments. Whether it's feeling a deceased parent's guidance during a difficult decision or hearing a spouse's favorite saying pop into mind, these experiences can provide real comfort and support.
2. They Help Preserve Important Values and Traditions
By maintaining bonds with loved ones, we keep meaningful traditions alive. Cooking Grandma's recipes or telling Dad's favorite stories passes down family values to younger generations while honoring those we've lost.
3. They Allow for Ongoing Growth
Our relationships with the deceased can mature over time. Many people report understanding their loved ones differently as they themselves age and gain new perspectives.
"I understand my father so much better now that I've raised my own children," says Robert, 62. "I have conversations with him in my mind that are different from anything we could have had when I was younger."
Healthy Ways to Maintain Connections
There are countless ways people maintain bonds with loved ones who have died:
- Creating rituals on special days, like birthdays or anniversaries
- Keeping meaningful possessions visible and accessible
- Talking to the deceased while doing activities they enjoyed
- Making decisions with their values or advice in mind
- Sharing stories and memories with others
- Supporting causes that were important to them
- Creating living memorials, like scholarship funds or memorial gardens
Mary, 68, tends a rose garden in memory of her mother. "Every spring when the first roses bloom, I feel her with me," she says. "Gardening was something we shared, and this keeps that connection alive. I don't think I'd heal better by trying to forget or 'move on' completely."
When Professional Help Might Be Needed
While continuing bonds are healthy, there are times when grief can become overwhelming. If grief prevents normal functioning for an extended period, or if connections to the deceased feel distressing rather than comforting, professional support may be helpful.
Signs that grief may require professional attention include:
- Inability to speak about the deceased without overwhelming emotion, even long after the death
- Avoiding all reminders of the person
- Extreme focus on the loss that prevents engagement with daily life
- Persistent feelings of guilt, bitterness, or anger related to the death
Finding Your Own Path
The most important thing to understand about grief and continuing bonds is that there's no single "right way" to maintain connections with those we've lost.
"What matters is finding connections that provide comfort and meaning for you personally," explains grief therapist David Wilson. "Some people feel closest to their loved ones in natural settings, others through community service or family gatherings. The important thing is that these bonds feel supportive rather than burdensome."
Moving Forward With, Not From
Modern grief psychology recognizes that healthy grief isn't about severing bonds but transforming them. We don't move on from those we've lost—we move forward with them, carrying their love, wisdom, and memory with us.
By maintaining these continuing bonds, we honor both our past and our present. We acknowledge the profound impact our loved ones had on our lives while still embracing our ongoing journey.
As you navigate your own grief journey, remember that maintaining connections with those you've lost isn't a sign of being "stuck"—it's a natural, healthy part of loving and remembering.