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Most of us have heard about the "five stages of grief." This well-known framework suggests that when we lose someone or something important, we move through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But is grief really that simple? Let's take a deeper look at what grief actually feels like, and separate the myths from the realities of this universal human experience.
Where Did the Five Stages of Grief Come From?
The five stages of grief were first introduced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying." What many people don't realize is that Kübler-Ross developed this model based on her work with terminally ill patients coming to terms with their own deaths—not specifically for those grieving the loss of a loved one.
Over time, this model was adopted and applied to all types of grief and loss. While it provides a helpful framework, it wasn't meant to be a strict roadmap that everyone must follow.
The Five Stages Explained
Let's review what each stage actually means:
- Denial: The "this can't be happening" phase where we struggle to accept the reality of our loss.
- Anger: When we ask "why me?" or "why them?" and feel rage at the unfairness of the situation.
- Bargaining: The "what if" and "if only" stage where we try to negotiate, often with a higher power, to change the outcome.
- Depression: The deep sadness and emptiness that comes with fully understanding the loss.
- Acceptance: Not being "okay" with the loss, but learning to live with it as part of your reality.
Myth: Everyone Goes Through All Five Stages in Order
Reality: Grief is not a linear process with checkboxes to mark off. Many people skip stages entirely, experience them in different orders, or revisit stages they thought they'd moved past. You might wake up feeling acceptance one day, then find yourself back in anger by dinnertime. This doesn't mean you're "doing grief wrong"—it means you're human.
Myth: You Need to Experience All Five Stages to "Complete" Your Grief
Reality: There's no such thing as "completing" grief. Some people never experience certain stages at all. For instance, many people never go through a bargaining phase, while others might not feel anger about their loss. Your grief journey is unique to you and your relationship with what or who you've lost.
Myth: Once You Reach Acceptance, the Grief Is Over
Reality: Grief isn't something we "get over"—it's something that becomes part of us. Many people experience what grief experts now call "integrated grief," where the loss becomes woven into the fabric of your life. The pain may soften over time, but certain days, memories, or anniversaries might always trigger fresh waves of grief, even years later.
Myth: If You're Not Following the Stages, You're Grieving Incorrectly
Reality: There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people cry openly, while others process their feelings privately. Some need to talk about their loved one constantly, while others prefer to honor them through actions rather than words. Your cultural background, personality, relationship with the deceased, and many other factors influence how you grieve.
What Modern Grief Research Tells Us
More recent models of grief recognize its complexity. The "growing around grief" model suggests that the grief itself doesn't necessarily shrink over time—instead, we grow around it. Our life expands to include new experiences and relationships, while our connection to who or what we lost remains.
Other experts describe grief as more like waves in the ocean. Initially, the waves come frequently and hit hard, maybe even knocking you down. Over time, the waves typically become less frequent and less intense, though a big one can still catch you off guard occasionally.
When to Seek Help
While there's no "normal" timeline for grief, if you find yourself:
- Unable to function in daily life for an extended period
- Experiencing thoughts of harming yourself
- Using alcohol or substances to cope
- Feeling stuck in intense emotions for many months
- Isolating yourself from all social connections
...it may be time to reach out to a grief counselor, therapist, or support group.
The Bottom Line
The five stages of grief give us language to talk about complicated emotions, but they shouldn't be used as a strict roadmap or checklist. Your grief journey is uniquely yours. Be patient with yourself, accept whatever emotions arise, and remember that healing doesn't mean forgetting—it means finding a way to carry your loss with you as you continue living.
What matters most isn't whether you're following the "correct" stages, but that you're allowing yourself to process your feelings in whatever way feels right for you. After all, grief is ultimately an expression of love—it hurts because the person or thing you lost mattered deeply to you.